A letter for them

Dear Mom and Dad,

If I could write you a letter and send it off to heaven I would tell you that life is good.

Life is good, but this morning was hard.

I didn’t realize it was going to be a hard. I didn’t anticipate it.

Angel was starting Kindergarten. She’s been ready to start Kindergarten for a very long time now. She’s been so excited and we have been excited for her. We have all been looking forward to getting back to a schedule.

And then I dropped her off. And I told her she was so big and that we were so proud. I prayed with her. The world’s quickest prayer because she was getting rather annoyed with all the pictures and the sap and the praying. And she reminded me again how she needs to call Aunt Nellie after school to tell her about her day.

I left her there. In the big world of Kindergarten.
The very first day of many school days to come.

As I walked out I remembered.

I remembered that you weren’t here. That you couldn’t celebrate with us. That I couldn’t send you her picture.  I thought about how excited you would be for her.  Your first grandbaby that you loved with your whole heart and soul for the first 4 1/2 years of her life.

There are many times when I remember and it’s ok and we just go on.
We just keep living.
It’s what we have to do.

But then there are days like these.

Days that are getting fewer and farther between.  But hard days where the pain cuts deep. And your absence in our life is overwhelming.

As I got in the car I started to weep and ruin my makeup and freak out because my new boss would finally see the real, emotionally wrecked me. I asked myself how does something that seems so small turn me into a huge mess?

And of course God was there and He heard my pain.
The song playing on the radio was what I needed to hear.
And the words were a salve to my wounded soul.

Well, everybody’s got a story to tell.
And everybody’s got a wound to be healed.
I want to believe there’s beauty here.
‘Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on.
I can’t let go, I can’t move on.
I want to believe there’s meaning here.

I love that even through the pain and the ugly cries there is beauty. There is beauty in knowing that God continues to walk with us. Time and time and time again. He never tires or slumbers or says, “Um ok that’s enough. Get over it!”  But instead time after time after time, I can still cry out “God please take this.” And He is there.
I can still cry out for the strength I need when the days seem hard. And He provides.

How many times have you heard me cry out “God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you God, I need you now.

It feels like the pain has eased with time.  But then on days like today, the heartache of not having you here feels just as heavy as when we first heard the words.  I know there will be milestone after milestone after milestone and some will be easy and some will be hard.  But it seems like my heart will forever ache without you in our life.

I know that you would tell me to look around.  Look around at my 5 awesome kids. Look around at Nellie and Tracy and Jim and Leana. Look around at Pat’s family. Look around at the hundreds of amazing friends God has given to us. And I do and I’m so thankful.

I know that you would tell me to look up. Look up to the only one I need.
Even when I think that what I need is you.
What I really need, and what I have, is a faithful, patient, merciful, loving God.

A God who will wipe away the tears and give the peace that passes all understanding.
A God that keeps giving strength; strength that can be found no where else.
A God who continues to walk with us.

Every. Single. Step.

Standing on a road I didn’t plan.
Wondering how I got to where I am.
I’m trying to hear that still small voice.
I’m trying to hear above the noise.

How many times have you heard me cry out “God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you God, I need you now.
Though I walk, Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid.
Please stay, please stay right beside me.
With every single step I take.
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out “God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you God, I need you now.
I need you now Oh I need you.
God, I need you now.
I need you now.
I need you now.

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